Five Paths To Poverty
Note to the humor-impaired: This article is not totally serious.
Fear of success is an amazing thing. In a world full of wealthy folks, who needs one more? Why trouble with all that when being poor is so much easier?
Any Tom, Dick, or Harry can tell you how to get rich… for a price. The truth is, the secret to getting rich is ridiculously simple: Make more money than you spend every single week, and eventually you will find that you are rich. Now you need never pay for another “Get Rich While You Sleep” self-help business book. I just put you on that path if you choose it.
But, like I said, it might be best to remain poor. The tax burden is much lighter. A lot of burdens are much lighter. For a rich person, the thought of not driving a Mercedes is too much to bear. For a pauper, the thought of not driving at all is not particularly disturbing. It may even be a relief.
If you are worried read on. I am about to reveal…
The Five Secrets of Perpetual Poverty:
1. Keep fooling yourself into thinking that hard work will result in success… as you work for someone else. Let me tell you something: Working hard for someone else is like forking over your real earnings to a middleman. Working for somebody else almost guarantees that you will stay poor. The one exception to this rule is if you join a union. You won’t get rich as a union member, but you won’t stay poor either. So beware of unions and beware of starting your own business if you want to live as a poor person forever.
2. Drink until you get drunk on a regular basis. Drinking alone won’t make you poor in most cases, but the more you drink, the better your chances of ending up dead and penniless in the gutter just like your favorite poet. Even if you avoid that fate, blowing your money at the bar is a great way to put yourself on the path to poverty.
3. Never make any sacrifices or delay your own gratification. Go ahead and buy that car that you can’t really afford. get the deluxe cable package. Eat at restaurants instead of cooking. The goal here is to remain poor, not to save money. The deeper in debt you go for the things that you think will make you happy, the better.
4. Whatever you do, never — EVER — find fault with yourself or make any attempt to change anything about your behavior. Education is the greatest enemy of poverty. The more you learn, the greater your chances of earning. Keep making the same mistakes, telling yourself that you know everything you need to know, and generally being an ignorant jerk. That’s the way to stay poor, not that all poor people are ignorant jerks. By the way, a lot of rich people are ignorant jerks so this step alone won’t open the door to lifelong poverty, but it certainly helps.
5. Pay no attention to your finances. Why bother checking your credit scores and reports? You want to pay the highest possible price for everything. Minding your Ps and Qs will get you nowhere fast if you’re trying to stay poor. Make sure that you pay as much as you can for insurance and on your interest rates.
I can confidently predict that if you take to heart all five of these highly sought secrets to a poor and simple life, that is the life you will have. Good luck!
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